I'm tired of pretending that I'm okay. Because, honestly, I'm not. I'm far from okay.
I want to trust You so much... and I guess, deep down inside, I do. But I'm also scared. And so full of uncertainty. What is going to happen to me? What is this that You're doing to me?
When will I find a second part-time job, or find a full-time job, and be able to no longer worry about how rent and other bills will get paid? When will I be able to hold my head up high and proudly tell people what I do, instead of trying to make "Right now, I work part-time at the YMCA" sound like my absolute dream when at times it feels like a nightmare?
When will the shame of losing my job be left behind me? And when will I no longer feel this pit of despair inside me?
When will my smile be real again? And when will I be able to enjoy life again?
Are You there, God? It's me... and I'm so confused. I'm confused about when "all things work together for the good of those who love Him," will come to pass for me. I'm confused about how long I must "cast my cares" upon you...
Some days I want to scream from being so angry. Angry at myself. Angry at my old employer. Angry at my old co-workers. Angry at You.
Angry at the friends who mean well, but often just rub salt into my wounds with their attempts at encouragement. Angry at my parents, who are miles away, and call to check on me more than they ever have before--I guess suddenly I need to be checked on more. Now that I'm unstable, unsettled, unsecured ... and all alone.
But really, God, I'm just sad. Sad to see dreams slip from my fingers. Sad that I have nothing to offer anyone. Sad that I feel so desperate. So sad that I'm drowning in my own sorrow and becoming more lost in my despair.
Are you there, God? It's me... and I need You.