Blah, Blah, Blah.
Don't get me wrong--they are all very true. But I think I'm finally getting to a point where being in a relationship (or not being in one) isn't a secret obsession of mine. A thing that I act cool about, but really I'm hurt and confused about why I wasn't good enough or whatever.
I'm finally just moving on from it all. Because when I think back to all those past relationships, I'm not so sure if I'd be all that happy if they did work out. None of them were bad people or anything, but I think they all were/are bad for me.
Realizing that has made it hurt less.
Realizing what would be good for me has made it hurt less.
One of the things I've been really focusing on for the last few months is Matthew 6:33: "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you."
I think I've spent a lot of my life seeking out the perfect guy and relationship. Someone to make me feel special and secure and whatever. And all it's done has led to heart ache. So what if I decided to seek God instead? I imagine that things would look a lot different. There would be less heartache.
I recently had a conversation with a friend about what we were looking for in the ideal mate. One of the first things he mentioned was a sense of humor. I shrugged and pretended that I didn't have a list, or there were no ideal questions I sought to have answered, to decide about "the One." But I remember getting home later and wishing I had spoken out and said the truth.
The truth is, I want someone who is passionate about their love for Christ. Someone who isn't ashamed of the Gospel. Someone who pushes me to be more steadfast in my walk and faith. That's the number one thing on my list.
And then of course I want someone who I'm attracted to, who makes me laugh, wants a big family, who challenges me... and it'd be great if he loved to do laundry.
Basically, I'm tired of my search for my "soul mate"/"life mate" or whatever you want to call it to be out of desperation. I want it to be one where I'm patiently looking for someone with whom I can share and live out God's love and purpose for our lives together.
And that hasn't been the case in any of my past relationships--even the good ones. God was in the backseat. A silent companion, who sometimes was allowed to tag along begrudgingly.
I want things to work differently from now on.
So... in my search for "the one," I want God to come first. I want it to be a sacred search, full of joy and one I undertake with God as my number-one companion.
"A sole mate is something who walks out with us... the biblical commandment to seek first the kingdom of God. ...A biblical sole mate who walks in this truth, who daily travels God's journey of sacrificial love, and who willingly goes "into training" for godliness is a far more stable foundation upon which to build a lifelong partnership..."
--from "A Sacred Search" by Gary Thomas