Faith, Hope, and Love

Note: This post was written after my first trip to Rwanda in July 2015. For some reason, I never posted it. I returned to Rwanda in June 2017 and have been asked to share about my trip for church. The thoughts from this blog post continue to swirl in my head as I reflect on my time in that beautiful country, so I felt it was time to finally send these thoughts into the world!  I can't get the image of Nyamata out of my head. The church doors still have the hole from where grenades were thrown. The walls are filled with holes from bullets and stained from people's blood. Small rivulets of light flow in through the tin roof because of holes left from shrapnel. The cloth covering the altar is almost completely a reddish-brown color--not colored by age or the red dirt Rwanda is known for, but rather by the blood of its people. Around one million Rwandans were killed during the 1994 genocide. No place was safe. Not even the church. As we entered the church, it felt like you w...

One of my favorite times of year is Easter. It wasn't always like this. As a kid, Christmas took the cake. Decorating the tree, presents, Christmas carols and pageants. It's all joy and gladness. And Easter? It just felt a little more doom and gloom--especially on Good Friday. I mean, what's happy about The Cross? And while I learned and understood that the Sunday was coming, and the tomb would be empty... it just never felt as exciting. But, as I've grown older, I've spent time in Lenten devotionals that have really brought Easter alive for me. Spending 40 days reflecting on my sin and depravity, and truly grasping me need for Christ and His sacrifice has made Easter so special. This year, IF: Gathering, which hosts one of my favorite devotional resources, launched a study on the Nicene Creed at the beginning of Holy Week. Initially, I felt it was ill-timed. Every other study was going through a real-time journey to the Cross and Resurrection, and they wan...

At the beginning of 2015, I tried something new. I had given up resolutions many years before, and decided to try picking a word for the year instead . My word was intentional . It felt like a good word. I wanted to be more intentional about my career, and so in 2015 I pursued different opportunities to get back into writing and the editorial world. I wanted to be more intentional about my creative hobbies, like writing and photography, and so I looked at a lot of different class options and made some new contacts. I wanted to be more intentional about my relationships--mostly friendships, but also in the romance category. And so I said "yes" to things I was tempted to say "no" to, and signed up for things at church and beyond in order to get involved and meet more people. I wanted to be more intentional about my health, and did a barre class once a week for a while. And drank more water, and ate healthy in general. I wanted to be more intentional at ...

In some Christian circles, it is the "thing" to ask people their salvation story. How did you come to know the Lord? It is often on mission trip applications, volunteer forms, and it might even comes up when you're meeting your new boyfriend's friends, mentors or family. Someone, somewhere is going to ask. Tell us your testimony. This has always made me a little uncomfortable, or sometimes even rubbed me the wrong way. And then I'd feel guilt. Shouldn't I be excited to share my story? To shout from the rooftops the story of how God saved me, redeemed me, made me whole? So why do I feel a little bit of discomfort or shame when I think of my story? Of the place where I first met the Lord? It's taken me a while, but I realized it boiled down to one thing: I don't remember it.  I don't remember the day, the time, the moment where I first surrendered to His call and embraced the message of the Gospel. I grew up in a Christian home. When I w...

I've started to think about them often-- Beatrice and Scovia . They are the two Esther Home Girls that are sponsored through IF: Gathering and who I'll get to meet when I'm in Rwanda in July . I don't remember if I gave to the campaign that allowed their dreams to go to college possible, and so I've browsed through the small profiles/update we've been given , hoping to come up with gifts that can bring with me. Maybe a scarf? Or a set of my favorite colored pens? Maybe those things would be too small, too trivial? I don't know. And then I hear insecurity whisper: Maybe everything you have to offer will be too small, too trivial. Not just to the girls, but on the whole trip. And I tremble with fear. By nature, I am a pretty cautious person. I don't like to take risks, and any adventures I embark on are generally strongly vetted (or are only adventures because I finally decided to actually step outside  my home). But God has been nudging me...

Dear Family and Friends, In February, I participated in a women’s conference called IF: Gathering. The theme this year was all about faith—if God is real, then what? If I believe in His word, then what? If I trust that He is good, how do I respond? At the end of the week, we were asked to think about our “next step of faith” and offered different ways for us to actively live out our faith. One of those ways was through a mission trip to work alongside Africa New Life Ministries in Rwanda. Rwanda is a small but densely populated country nestled in East Africa. During the 20th century, Rwanda reached a height of violence in the 1994 Genocide. Now, over 20 years since the Genocide, Rwanda has and continues to demonstrate to the world the power of reconciliation and forgiveness. Africa New Life Ministries is a child sponsorship organization that provides a comprehensive level of care to the students, ministering to both physical and spiritual needs as well as focusing on the comm...

I fear that I am not a good enough witness for Christ. I fear I am silent when I should speak. That I don't make the most of every opportunity to share His love and His truth. In some ways, I am proud of the strides I've made. In the last two years, starting with that first trip to Haiti, I've grown bolder in my faith. I feel more and more unashamed. I no longer shy away from speaking up about God's faithfulness and goodness in my life. But is that enough? Am I actively running the race God has called me to? 

So just before I left for this mission trip, I re-read and finished the Gallagher Girl series by Ally Carter (awesome author, by the way). So... I'm going to take a page out of Cammie Morgan's book and create a pro and con list for everything I've experienced so far and what I've been taking away from this mission trip (also the amazing sisterhood I've seen among the daughters of As Our Own kind of reminds me of the GG sisterhood... only this one is real and a lot more life-changing, in my opinion). While the approach might be a little tounge-in-check/silly, there are two things I want to point out: There are infinitely more pros than cons. Many of the cons are actually just pros in disguise. Writing both out is in a way recording the little and big joys and gifts of this trip. Whether pro or con, I've learned so much about me, God, my relationships with Him and others. I'm still processing, and I don't feel radically different right now, but I a...

How is God calling us to care for the oppressed and the fatherless? As Christians we tend to do good works often--we spend a day volunteering or we donate a certain sum of money. We do our due diligence. We tell ourselves that we've made their lives better than it could or would have been. It's easy to think that providing a place for them to live, feeding them, and meeting basic survival needs is enough. But is it really? Earlier this week, one of my devotions was on identifying with the poor. It started out looking at Nehemiah 5: 14-18. Nehemiah was governor of the land, and his position entitled him to many great perks. But knowing that his people were poor, that they were suffering, led him to forsake what was rightfully his for their benefit and for God's glory. After all, isn't that what Jesus did for us? "Have in mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be ...

Here's the funny thing about God: He's never late. Even when you feel like things are not going to happen and you're down to the wire and you're stressing, He comes through. Just when He wants to. I've had God do things in His timing many times in my life, and so I've learned to not worry and trust in that He will provide what I need when He wants. That doesn't make the wait any easier... but I am learning. There was the time I graduated from masters and had no job and no plan. I came back to Houston and spent about 3 months looking for something. I was at a point when I was ready to give up. And then I got a call and was offered an internship I never even applied to. His Perfect Provision and in His Perfect Timing. And then when the three-month internship was ending, I was once again feeling the pressure of the job hunt. Nothing seemed to be available and the few jobs that were wouldn't even acknowledge my application with a form rejection lette...

"I've been around the world, they say that love is blind, but I love you cause I've seen you a hundred times So amazed at the world that You made"    -- Jimmy Needham, "How Great Thou Art" That's exactly what I think when I reflect on my trip to Peru. From the ocean to the mountains and valleys. The salt mines and ancient ruins. I was constantly in awe of the beauty this world holds. And how can we live in a beautiful world and doubt that there is a God? It's hard for me to fathom because I couldn't help but give glory and worship God as we drove up mountains, took trains and boats along the riverbed, and trekked through the rain forest. Peru is a fabulous place. When I first decided to do this trip, it was solely to see Macchu Picchu. I read some National Geographic article about "Places You Want to See Before It's Too Late," and they implied that the government might shut Macchu Picchu down to help persevere the archa...

As I mentioned in an earlier post , I'm totally playing catch-up on a lot of the resources the IF:Gathering has on their website (I bought their conference webcast stuff and still haven't sat down to watch any of it yet). While doing this, I fell upon this spoken word piece by Amena Brown Owen and Ann Voskamp .   Can I just say, "Window to my soul?" Fear that I'll never move past my past... That I'll never be perfect, that I'll never be worth it, that I'll never be enough... Tug of war between my fear and my calling... Fear is my chain... He is second chances... His love never runs out... His love is looking for me. So who would I be, if I wasn't afraid? Where ever He takes me, He is always the Comforter. To take the weight on my backs and offer it back to the Savior... that my life may be chiseled by his pen. Who would I be? And what would I do?

So I've been doing a great job keeping up with the IF:Gathering's devotional through Acts. It's been great being able to read through other women's comments and see what God is revealing through them in the Scriptures. Today's passage really got be thinking as I prepare for India . No one is too far gone to be redeemed by Christ. And not that these girls have done anything that makes them unworthy of redemption, but I think about their moms, the people who work and build the Red Light District, the families that shun and push them out... even they are capable of being redeemed. I think about a brothel owner who turns to Christ, shuts down her brothel and makes it a house a prayer to welcome and serve the women in The District. I think about pastors with tattoos and piercings, women who have been in prison... Their story doesn't discount them. In fact, perhaps their history and their past makes them an even stronger witness of the gospel. Anyway... just so...

This summer, I have the opportunity to go to India and serve with As Our Own , an organization that rescues young girls from the sex trafficking industry and raises each of them as their own daughters. The provide for all their needs and they remain a part of their family even after they go to college, get married and have daughters (or sons) of their own. As part of our preparation for the trip, each of us going had to share "our story." What pivotal milestones had led us to where we are now? How had God prepared us for this time and this place? I was very hesitant to do this, and struggled for a week and a half, trying to decide what to share. I've been a Christian more or less my whole life. And yes, I do know that you aren't born  a Christian. At some point each person has to answer God's call on their own. I just don't remember exactly  when I did that. My dad is a clergyman and started a church the year I was born. I was always involved in things ...

Over the course of fifty-five days, the IF:Gathering lead women through the book of John with their IF:Equip initiative. We read a passage from the Bible and then ask/answer these three questions: If this is true, then what does it say about God? About you? About the world? They end each reading with a video of some awesome ladies sharing their own thoughts about that particular passage. I did a horrible job keeping up with the readings. In general, I do a horrible job about having a consistent, meaningful time meditating on His word. Something I'm working on--I get e-mail devotions, I'm part of a Bible study group, I carry my Bible in my purse at all times--but I still suck at consistency. With that being said, IF:Equip has wrapped up the book of John and is now moving on to the book of Acts (which my church just finished walking through over the last two years. Might be interested to read through it again and listen to insight from a different perspectives). So, I d...

One thing I love to do is sing. I used to sing at church a lot  growing up, and even helped lead our churches' children's and youth choirs at some point in life too. I was part of a choir in high school and in college. I sang all the time. And then I started teaching and my voice became a big like sandpaper. I have that "sexy, smoky" voice all the time--which would be cool IF it didn't hinder my singing voice or occasionally make me sound like a young boy going through puberty.  I've never been bold  about my singing, but it was something I took pride in and it's been sad to feel like I've lost that. Recently I decided to join the Singers at my church as a way to give my voice some exercise and help it gain back some of its former glory. That has yet to happen... but oddly enough, my voice tends to sustain itself during the times I help lead in worship. That's been pretty awesome.  But all that is besides the point. Or at least not w...

When I look in the mirror, what do I see? To what do I attribute my identity? To get ready for my upcoming mission trip to India, we've been asked to "tell our story," and I'm struggling a lot with that. While I know  that being a Christian allows me to walk in grace, to leave behind shame and guilt and to see myself in all the beauty that God seems me (Easter was/is a good reminder of all that)... I don't always feel  that way and struggle to really embrace His truth about who I am. Instead, I think of all the labels I wear--daughter, sister, teacher, writer, friend, ex-girlfriend, Miss (versus Mrs.)--and I see a lot of failure. Failure as a daughter when I think of my years of rebellion and disobedience, when I don't call enough, or feel known by my parents (or even really know them). Failure as a sister because of all the years we lost being the closest friends we could be, and how I often take my siblings for granted. Failure as a teacher when I ...